My Heros
“My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done”
Those are the lyrics to Gnarls Barkley’s song Crazy. The irony of the song, is that it was playing the Summer/Fall I spent some time in an outpatient psychiatric hospital. I found it very apropos. Funny even.
Tonight, nine months after I was kicked out of said psychiatric hospital (for poor attendance), I listened to the lyrics and these ones struck a cord with me. As they have every other time I have really listened to the lyrics.
For me living my life out on a limb does not mean skydiving. For me living my life out on a limb, means getting up in the morning, taking my meds. and having a day like any other adult. Drink my coffee, shower, brush teeth, dress, go to work, come home eat dinner go to bed. Rinse and Repeat.
I was talking to my book group, minus one, tonight. One of the women, has a neighbor who almost died from cancer, it is now in remission. He is in a deep depression and does nothing. He cannot do the jobs he did before the cancer, so he doesn’t do anything. He has even begun having panic attacks.
I understand this man without even knowing only about his situation second hand. I am this man. I wasn’t supposed to live. I only had five to ten years, when I was 19, I am now 29, and my dieses has stabilized. I knew how to live like I was dying, I don’t know how to live like I have all the time in the world. I have no sense of urgency, I feel no need to get up in the morning to take a shower, because I have all day. Dying was easy, Living is a Bitch. I think I heard someone say that. I agree wholeheartedly.
Michael lived everyday. I never knew Michael to waste time. Sure he knew how to goof off, with the best of them, but if something needed to be done he did it. If you asked him to do something for you, he did it. If he had to do something (that he felt was important) he did it. “And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them”
Everything I write about Michael is “la vie en rouge”. He wasn’t perfect. He is my brother.
1 comment:
Perfection. Really. I don't know how you do it. I love your voice.
Welcome to the crux of adulthood. It's a bitch. I think the most we can ask for is a few laughs and some good company.
I used to climb mountains. My best climbing teacher once told me, "You should never look up just as much as you should never look down. Just look at the rock in front of you." Scaling heights is tough work; if you look to see where you're going for too long, you'll lose your resolve. If you look to see where you've come from, you'll lose your nerve.
To quote Ani: "There's where I come from and where I'm going and I am lost in between."
Seriously, if you don't keep writing, I'm never coming home again. I LOVE IT!
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